EVSC 2013 Semifinals

Published by marco on

Updated by marco on

It’s Euro-Vision Song Contest time again. Semifinals part II tonight. Don’t judge me. It’s like a traffic accident; you can’t look away. There were a lot of contestants, but here are the ones I found noteworthy.

Finland: What the hell Finland? A few years ago you win with Death/Gore-Metal band Lordi and now you descend into the depths of bubble-gum pop with Krista (who was literally wearing bubble-gum–colored boots)? How did that number even get off the ground? It was, however, one of the classic Euro-Vision styles: wanna-be Madonna/Material-Girl–style.
Macedonia: They covered the other classic Euro-Vision style: they sang in their native tongue and included decidely non-standard pop-cast members, like a gigantic operatic singer doing call-and-response with the Macedonian Julio Iglesias.
Bulgaria: I had no idea that Bulgarians had also invented a bagpipe. Dude was creeping around the stage with it like Angus Young. They were decent, overall.
Iceland: Way to bring down the mood, Iceland. A crooner with Thor-like locks wailing on in Icelandic. Utterly uninspiring.
Switzerland: I can’t even poke fun at my Finnish and Icelandic colleagues because the Swiss managed to deliver yet another train wreck in the form of a multi-piece Salvation Army band. Couldn’t wait for that to be over. They might as well have sent a Guggämusigg Band from Lozärn which would have been much more entertaining, if not less embarrassing.
Azerbaijan: They sent a cross between Tom Cruise and Enrique Iglesias to smolder his way through his song while his buddy tried to get out of a transparent, plastic box behind him. Not as horrible as many of the others.
Latvia: The Swiss can thank God for Latvia who, with their spangled suits and utterly jarring energy-rock, started off the evening so badly that all of the other bands could relax and stop worrying about ending up dead last.
Malta: A decent, upbeat song, but the singer was way too weak to carry it. Might not sound bad if somebody with some lungs or a voice with character were to sing it.
Israel: Do you have friends who can be honest with you? A neckline that plunges to your waist plus vertical stripes stretched uncompromisingly in the horizontal? And the 80s called: they want those glasses and all of your hairstyles back. The whole picture was so distracting, I hardly had time to hate the song.
Norway: A repeat of Finland, if a lot more subdued. Generic uninspired pop from Scandinavia hoping for some swarthy votes from the south who still can’t believe there are people with blond hair. A transparent ploy.
Romania: Conceptually the highlight of the evening: a male singer dressed in a black necromancer’s robe, his gigantic self astride the puny, red-lit mountains of Hell. He growled out his first lines and then this Romanian King Diamond launched into an operatic soprano sequence while red-painted/suited, half-naked devils cavorted and performed feats of strength in front of him. His voice proved to not be up to the task, but the piece was nonetheless kinda riveting.

There were a couple of others, but I either missed them or I can’t remember enough about the acts to snark about them.