How’m I Doin’?

That’s the question implied by the smirk on George Bush’s face every time he speaks to the American people—not that he’s particularly interested in the answer. Bush dragged himself from the depths of his bubble to a dais (or rostrum, as his speechwriter put it) he’s visited six times before to deliver the 2006 State of the Union (Washington Post) address. The speech had all the earmarks of a committee effort delivered by someone who only understood about half of it. There were a good dozen different large topics with a smattering of smaller ones littered around for garnish.

Yawn

What follows is a blow-by-blow analysis of his speech that is probably longer than the damned thing itself. The cynical tone is wholly Bush’s fault, as he’s the one who feels the need to trot out enticing liberal-sounding issues every January only to ignore them at best and renounce them at worst throughout the rest of the year. This year’s speech was not much different from those of other years—not least because it seemed to derive at least half of its content from them. A small amount of research suffices to show that most of Bush’s assertions are at best disengenuous and “true” only when considered from a certain perspective and taking care to ignore inconvenient facts. Others are so pie-in-the-sky and contrary to his platform that they are easily recognized as palliatives offered to those who still believe that the America we all learned about in school actually exists.

If you’re a sport (or if you’ve had enough aperitifs), you could just ignore the last five years and take him at his word when he tells you what an awesome job he’s doing and how much awesomer he plans to make America in 2006. Your mileage may vary.

Why can’t we all just get along?

The introduction had been hastily reworked to give a shout-out to Coretta Scott King, widow of Martin Luther King, who’d just died that morning. It cost him nothing to do this and let him pick up some free “black points” right at the beginning and let Bush associate himself with MLK, a man with whom he has so much in common. In what would become a familiar pattern for this speech, Bush immediately veered ninety degrees onto a different topic.

Early on, he introduced the theme of “shared struggle, shared sacrifice, shared lessons learned”. That’s my title for it, although I generously substituted “lessons learned” for “grievous and criminal errors in judgement”. Bush includes Congress when he says that “[w]e have served America…it has been my honor to serve with you. (emphasis added)”. It’s a clever sentence in that it implicitly shares blame for the current situation and uses military terminology to describe his job.

He continues with his civics lesson to describe “a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches (emphasis added)”. This served a dual purpose: the first is to further entrench in people’s minds that the two-party system is somehow constitutionally decreed; the second is to generously recognize the Democrats as one of the parties, but to chide them for forgetting that one branch (guess which one?) is appointed, not elected. Shame on you for even going through the motions on the Alito nomination.

The “sharing of blame” thread running through the speech came up again when Bush was unusually inclusive of Congress in telling them that “you and I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our country”. More to the point, he exhorted the American people not to “retreat from [their] duties in the hope of an easier life”. Translating these vague declarations to impart actual meaning leaves: more sacrifice ahead for the Joe Sixpack. Any complaining about this holy duty dishonors all those who went before you. You know the drill.

…and freedom for all.

Another theme making a return appearance is the call to freedom. The speech at this point takes a very idealistic turn and Bush seems to be channeling Che Guevara when he declares America’s goal to be “end[ing] tyranny in our world”. A noble goal and one that’s entirely controllable by the the U.S. of A., which pays for much of the tyranny in the world. A couple of tearful mentions of 9/11 later and he’s complaining about “seek[ers] of weapons of mass destruction” again, blissfully ignorant of how worn out that old chestnut is. He and his administration seem to think the exact same approach will fly when running up the campaign against Iran. The media seems to be at least half-heartedly along for that ride, so, if it ain’t broke…

A little bit later, Bush is still spouting about freedom and, with very little judicious editing, can be made to sound just like a raging leftie:

“Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks … the world … the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder children at a school … or blow up commuters … or behead a bound captive … the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. But they have miscalculated: We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it.”

You could really put those words into the mouth of a member of the Iraqi insurrection and it would sound just right. With more blather like this, Bush paints a picture of the U.S. as a scrappy young fighter taking on the big bad world for the sake of democracy. Americans have loved underdogs since time immemorial and the preceding paragraph probably resonated automatically, regardless of how laughable the idea is.

Isolationist is the New Terrorist

Bush follows up with another section on the Iraq war, this time exhorting the American people not to succumb to “the false comfort of isolationism”. Having already urged Congress not to do so, it’s clear Bush is terrified of any sort of consideration of domestic issues. In what has become an all-too-familiar pattern, he and his administration have now coöpted the word “isolationism” to mean anything concerned with domestic issues. Anyone wishing to spend elsewhere the hundreds of billions of dollars earmarked for war will be labeled as “isolationist” and wedded to an outmoded, dangerous way of thinking that will ultimately result in the further tragic loss of American life. Furthermore, the isolationist, negative, naysaying viewpoint is all the sadder as Bush confirmed to America that “[w]e’re on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory.”

He followed up strongly with a laundry list of reasons why the Iraqi army is so awesome and are “increasingly tak[ing] the lead” in controlling the insurgency. To be fair, since the US military cannot be said to be controlling the insurgency in any way, it is technically true to assert that the Iraqis are just as adept at doing so. It’s just not very reassuring. Neither is the idea that America has invaded a country that was ostensibly far too powerful militarily (taking claims made at the time at face value, for the sake of argument), destroyed that military in two days and is now rebuilding it using slightly different people. In the end, the country will have a military more powerful than before and will be strongly allied with Saudi Arabia and Iran. Yay?!?. Not to enjoy nitpicking too much, but it seems like the Bush administration can’t even remember their own reasons for going to war anymore. Maybe they really can’t remember any history—even events from 2 years ago that they themselves wrote.

Bush, still on the war theme about ¼ of the way through a speech that was becoming more and more a list of non-sequitors worthy of an LSD-addled beat poet, next chided America in general that “there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure.” A rather flowery way of saying “you’re either with us or against us”, but he gets an “A” for effort. It’s a technically correct statement used as a bludgeon to chide representative Murtha for speaking his mind on the war. Acknowledgement of realities imposed by the physical world is defeatist and negative—explaining a lot about why Bush seems to constantly fall off of his bike. It’s not that he’s clumsy; it’s simply that, for him, those branches across the road just aren’t there. And why not? Because he says so. Assertion equals truth.

It’s Only Democracy When We Do It

The next section was the now-standard props for democracy—but even this had to be dulled this year from the purple-fingered parades of years past, as Hamas had recently won an election in Palestine and Bolivia had recently just turned even more to the left. Therefore, “[e]lections are vital, but they are only the beginning.” This is actually a very old policy embraced by America, in which democracy is great as long as the people of the country elect the leaders America wants. He actually went on to lay it on the line for Hamas, telling them they “must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism and work for lasting peace.” In other words, abandon every last plank of the platform on which they were overwhelmingly elected, letting Israel roll over the last remnants of the Palestinian people, and give Bush his legacy. He’s only got a few years left—show the Bushmeister a little love, Hamas.

Next up was Iran. Though the war drums are beating, it must be purely out of reflex on both the administration’s and the media’s part, as there is no money or military left to replicate the great crusade in which we’re embroiled in Iraq. The Irani president is full of bluster and continues to insult Israel, which, with it’s nuclear arsenal and repeated threats of attacking nuclear plants with jet fighters—as they did to Iraq in 1981—is more than capable of taking care of itself. Despite the strong likelihood that, without further provocation, nothing will come of the situation, America is no more capable of ignoring these events than a bone-tired dog who hears the squeak of his favorite ball as it flies through the air. With the same level of intellectual effort and careful consideration, American will pursue Iran just as surely as that dog will pursue the ball.

Over ½ of the way through the speech and the saber rattling is almost over, with a few more shots across the bow of those damned “isolationists” and a segue into combatting terrorism at home that’s about as subtle as an elephant in a tutu. Before jumping into a peevish defense of spying on Americans, he gives a brief shout-out to the Patriot Act, urging its renewal as, without it, the “superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military and homeland security” will be powerless to stop the Muslimoid hordes from overrunning the country, raping our blond-haired women and gorging themselves on the sweet flesh of our blue-eyed babies.

It’s amazing to think that the US has not one, but two military machines—the Department of Homeland Security, used to protect the shores of America and the Department of Defense, used to protect … what, exactly? All of that military might and power over us and still there is not enough. Reauthorize the Patriot Act and accept a domestic “terrorist surveillance program [that] has helped prevent terrorist attacks”. It’s clear that it did, as no attacks have occurred since it was passed. Do the math. If Bush hadn’t taken the prerogative to spy illegally on Americans, half of us would be crawling along a blasted, lifeless landscape among the melted, eyeless corpses of the other half. Be happy the president is willing to sacrifice his adherence to the rule of law for our sakes. Anyone who dares mention that the spying the president is doing is completely illegal even by the incredibly lax laws put in place when Nixon made the exact same claims is a dirty, Osama-loving isolationist.

A Look Behind the Curtain

All the uncomfortable talk of domestic spying was a good reason to segue to a discussion of looking outward, not inwards. Be like the other presidents from “Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan”—“reject isolationism” and keep “freedom … on the march”. More blather that would make George Orwell shed three tears—one of joy for having been right, one of horror for having been right and one of fury for seeing his vision realized in such a clumsy manner by such a poltroon.

Now over halfway home and Bush turned to lying about domestic issues, painting the American economy as “healthy and vigorous” (Exxon pulled in a $36 Billion profit for 2005 … see?) and lied further to note that America’s economy is, in fact, “growing faster than other major industrialized nations”. Of course, you can pick your metric and pick your two nations and prove this with no trouble whatsoever. It just doesn’t mean anything in the real world and doesn’t mean anything to the millions and millions of Americans who are somewhat surprised to hear how well everything is going for them. In fact, Americans who think they aren’t doing well are succumbing to the siren song of nattering nabobs and naysayers using “uncertainty [to] feed people’s fears”. Having money problems? Just wish them away; it works for George.

The whole point of the rosy picture for the economy is to line up another regular in the GWB lineup of issues for the State of the Union—tax cuts! That’s right, folks, just when you thought no one would have the balls to even breathe the words “tax cuts” in a country so strapped for cash its biggest lender is also its biggest competitor (China), here comes George walkin’ like he’s got a pair. How do you say “chutzpah” in cowboy? And why shouldn’t there be tax cuts, especially for those scrappy entrepeneurs like Exxon who have helped “produce more than four years of uninterrupted economic growth”? Naturally, Bush calls the expiration of a temporary tax cut measure a “tax increase” and makes sure to let all of America believe it will apply to them (even though most people barely got a tax cut in the first place).

Taking the cake for sleaziness is Bush’s attempt to claim the role of being a “good steward of tax dollars”. Those Republicans who are true conservatives must have been seeing red at this claim. Bush’s justification of this statement is that he’s “reduced the growth of nonsecurity discretionary spending (emphasis added)”. It’s amazing the man was able to drag himself to the podium with a pair like that. All he’s claiming is that non-military spending is not growing, spinning his cuts and outright starvation of social programs into sound fiscal judgement. That military and security spending has increased dramatically doesn’t enter into it. Not his fault. 9/11.

Amazingly enough, his speechwriters felt America would be impressed by his savings of “$14 Billion next year”—a sum that will pay for less than a month of Iraq. This number is also piddlingly small, as his next threat to America is the “baby boom generation” which will surely cause “staggering tax increases or deep cuts in every category of spending”. The implication is that baby boomers will be to blame for the “unsafening” of America’s borders as they suck America’s lifeblood out through the straw of their Social Security checks. This is a problem Bush had generously offered to fix, but which Congress “did not act … on last year”. The tough job Bush has would be a lot easier if the executive had any power whatsoever, so he really needs Congress to “pass the line-item veto”. Alito smiled so hard he hurt himself.

50 Miles Per Cord

Next up was the energy issue, which Bush addressed by dragging out another of the old chestnuts we’ve come to expect (settle down—we’re not going to Mars again): alternative fuel sources! Yay! America’s “addicted to oil”. That’s right, it’s all your fault, you lazy Americans, with your driving all over the place (even though industrial usage accounts for the vast majority of oil use). But Uncle Georgie’s gonna fix you right up! Just put this “corn … wood chips and stalks or switch grass” into your tank and off you go, fully independent of those sketchy darkies from “unstable parts of the world”. George proudly notes how $10 Billion has been spent on alternative fuels over the last five years, while not mentioning at all the hundreds of billions spent on securing more oil through military means. Spending less than half a percent of your fuel research budget on alternative fuels doesn’t make you an environmental president, George.

Something For the Kids

Coming into the home stretch now and George made sure to pull out something for all the kids that managed to stay awake this long by announcing the fabulously Orwellian “American Competitiveness Initiative” which will help American students blow the world away with their awesomeness. In fact, this is just a little booster for the stupefying progress already made by the “No Child Left Behind” act (have no fear, George “Huge Ones” Bush had absolutely no trouble mentioning this train wreck of a program as if it were a feather in his cap). To continue the sweeping success of the American education system, he plans to “train 70,000 high school teachers, to lead advanced-placement courses in math and science [and] bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms”.

Again, not to be overly peevish, but what’s the point? How much math and science do you need to be a greeter at Wal-Mart? Working in the service industry in general isn’t too “mathy”. And how do you get 30,000 people to teach math and science—just like that? We know that Bush isn’t a real big fan of wage increases; if I was a math or science professional, I would hightail it to Canada as there is obviously some sort of teacher/slavery program afoot for 2006.

Then again, we aren’t going to Mars yet and we aren’t shoving switch grass into our gas tanks yet and kids are still using steroids like crazy, so maybe we shouldn’t hold our breaths for this particular program to cross over from “Bush world” to “real world”.

Jesus Was Straight

The next domestic issues in the crosshairs were faggots and sluts. Since “there [we]re fewer abortions in America than at any point in the last three decades”, it’s natural to assume that kids have stopped fooling around. It also naturally follows that “a rising generation is finding that a life of personal responsibility is a life of fulfillment”. That’s right, generation Z or whichever one we’re up to now—the one staring slackjawed into the TV as it zaps text message after text message to vote for its favorite video—is America’s great hope and all because of “[w]ise policies” like “support for abstinence”. Apparently not getting laid is catching on like wildfire. All the cool kids are doing it.

All is not sunny in the land of Jesus and fuzzy bunnies, however. “[A]ctivist courts that try to redefine marriage” are forcing gayness on us left and right, leaving us with a “culture [that] is doomed to unravel”. Even the noble cowboy has been transformed from brush-cutting stud-beast to bare-backin’ Brokebacker. And, since we’re on the subject of judges, let’s have a couple of shout-outs for Alito and Roberts, two straight-shootin’ sons of guns who will “not legislate from the bench”, but who believe that a “hopeful society … recognizes the matchless value of every life”. Woo-woo! Here’s comes the anti-abortion train! All aboard! Or else.

Oh, and any dirty liberals hoping to “creat[e] human-animal hybrids” can just forget about about it while sheriff George is on the beat. Seriously, he said that in a State of the Union address—human/animal hybrids. One year we’re going to Mars, the next we’re combatting invisible evil, and now we’re just a beakerful of DNA away from descending into a Dr. Moreau-like nightmare world. Thank God the Republicans are keeping watch over us.

Ensuring Enrollment

It may sound like a long speech, but it really wasn’t. At 50 minutes it was far shorter than most of Clinton’s, which usually weighed in around 90 minutes. It just feels so achingly long because it’s a 45 minute laundry list of things wrong with the country, all delivered with no apology, explanation or rhetorical flourish. It wasn’t even in any particular order besides the transparent gambit of cramming all of the war stuff into the first half. Though Katrina victims and “kids” had already gotten their own promises of fabulous door prizes earlier in the speech, Bush revisited them both just before wrapping things up.

With Laura grimly smiling away in the first row, Bush remembered to give her fancifully-named “Helping America’s Youth Initiative” the props it so richly deserves. It’s goal is to “encourage young people to stay in school … and achieve their dreams”, which would be awesome if the program:

1. Was being funded in any reasonable way
2. Applied to sexually active non-Christians

It’s quite clear that the Bush Administration is starting to notice that, with the military scraping the bottom of the barrel, there is a lower limit to how dumb you can be before you’re ineffective even as cannon fodder. They’ve underfunded education to the point where the impoverished dregs they’ve always targeted are too dumb even for the military.

Bush spent the last few paragraphs of his speech talking about all of the awesome things his administration plans to do for “the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans”. Not only that, but black people are getting not one, but two empty promises all for themselves this year, as Bush exhorted Congress to “reauthorize the Ryan White Act … and provide new funding to states, so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicine in America.” A more reasonable tack would be to force pharmaceutical companies to start providing life-saving drugs of all kinds at cost instead of obscene levels of profit. The government, as an enormous wholesale buyer should be able to negotiate far better prices than it does. Unfortunately, Bush didn’t mention whether he was going to put the screws to his corporation cronies or not. Regardless, Bush let America hear loud and clear that he does, in fact, “like black people”. Someday he hopes to meet a real, live one outside of captivity (and no, Condi and Colin don’t count).

Closing Strong

Careening now as he nears the end, he laid the rhetoric on thick, recycling any lines he may have forgotton to repeat from previous years. He reminded fellow innocent Americans that they are embroiled in “a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite”, but that “we will lead freedom’s advance [and] renew the defining moral commitments of our land”.

Without a dry eye in the house, he blessed America and fell asleep on the podium, as it was already past his bedtime. The end.