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In the Navy!

Published by marco on

Looking for all the comforts of living on a naval vessel while you’re confined to dry land? 28 Ways to simulate being in the Navy is here to help.[1] Some of the more helpful items are listed below:

  1. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
  2. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor.
  3. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
  4. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
  5. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
  6. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car’s radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.


[1] The most subtle way of emulating government employment is the maddening way that a list of 38 items is labelled as being only 28.

Comments

#1 − Addition

Marc

And don’t speek but shout − specially to your boss. Pre- and postfix everything with “Sir”. That’s a basic too :-)