Eerily Prescient
The Onion has staked a claim in the world of news reporting: to report that which never happened, and likely never could have, but in a manner that suggests that it did. For the most part, the intended humor is relatively transparent, making it easy to laugh along as the author gets increasingly outrageous. It’s funny because it’s sometimes hard to discern articles from the Onion from the human interest pieces in what are considered mainstream news sources.
The “Politics” section necessarily strays from this schtick, from time to time reporting real events, but snidely and ironically, and in a clearly biased manner. Kind of like the Daily Show. Every once in a long while, an Onion article nails it 100%, even though the original intent was likely much more ironic.
Hulk Angry!Over six years after publication, the Onion’s official welcoming of Bush to the international stage, Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’ (The Onion), reads like a fortune teller’s dream come true. Granted, anyone who actually looked at Bush’s platform, his team and their history could have similarly predicted the next 4 years, but, given the Onion’s penchant for incredible levels of exaggeration, Bush and Co. worked overtime to meet these expectations.
On war:
“During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years. … ‘You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,‘ said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. ‘Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?’”
On the economy:
“On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.”
On abortion and the church:
“Bush praised [John Ashcroft] as ‘a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman’s right to give birth.‘ … ‘Soon, … a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic,’ … Continued Bush: “John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state.”
On tax cuts:
“Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation’s hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent.”
Even the Onion wasn’t cynical enough to predict, however, that America, after having been subjected to the beating outlined above, would reëlect Bush so he could finish the job. Maybe they though about it, but decided that it really wasn’t that funny.