Jokes are Subjective as Hell

Every once in a while, Reddit does a “tell your best jokes” thread. Here are my favorites from the last one; try not to hold it against me.

Brewer’s Convention

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: “In ‘Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate.”

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: “In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud.”

Hans steps up next: “In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke.”

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward “Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks.”

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Paddy replies: “Well, if you fookin’ pansies aren’t drinkin’, then neither am I”.

David Beckham’s Mnemonic Device

David Beckham and Posh Spice arrive at Heathrow from their holidays. They jump in a London taxicab and ask to be taken home.

The driver recognizes the couple and says: “Been on holiday then David”.

Beckham replies slowly and thoughtfully: “Yeah”

“Go somewhere nice then guvnor?”

Same slow reply: “Yeah”

“Where was it then, mate?”

Beckham thinks for a minute and replies: “You know that London railway station”

The driver surprised says: “Which one? Liverpool Street?”

Beckham pauses and replies, “No, the other one”

“King’s Cross is it?”

Again Beckham thinks and replies “No, not that one”

The taxi driver thinks down the list of big London stations and suggests “Victoria?”

Beckham smiles and replies “Yeah, yeah, that’s the one”. Then he turns to his wife and says “Victoria, where did we go on holiday?”

Hunting Accident

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.

The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot.

Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Blond Traffic Stop

A blond speeder is pulled over by a blond police officer.

The cop says “I need to see your license”. The driver digs through her purse for a while, and says “I can’t find it. What does it look like?”.

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says “it’s rectangular, and has your picture on it”. The driver searches through her purse but can’t find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the driver. “Oh, you can go” she says.

“I didn’t realize you were a cop”.

Cruel

Q: How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?

A: The leash goes slack.

Geeks

An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and says “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”

The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”

The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.

Bestiality

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says, “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

Bush

Q: What’s the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?

A: George Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

Stature (new on 17.12.2007)

Joke found on <http://qdb.us/118151> and adapted.

I rear-ended a car this morning. We pulled over to the side of the road and the other driver slowly got out of his car. As he came toward me, I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Follow-through (new on 1.5.2017)

Joke found on Reddit and adapted.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!’

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

Finally, it was the last man’s turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks” he said. “I had to strangle the bitch to death.”

State-of-the-art Watch (new on 15.7.2017)

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch.
She notices and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“Nah. I just got this state-of the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
Intrigued, she asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, … ,” he paused briefly, then continued, “…it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
“It must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

Still as a Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

Sensitivity

Genders are like the Twin Towers…there used to be two of them and now it’s a really sensitive subject.

Suffering

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
“I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

The Priest’s Wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he’s really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.” The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob’s shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago”.

Wife at the Bar

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass. He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy.

After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says “What the hell are you doing?” and I said “Having sex with my wife.”

He said “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was your wife.” and I said “Neither did I till you shined a light on her.”

Blondes in a Bar

A blind man walks into a gay bar.

He walks up to the bartender and says “hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?”.

The bartender says “Let me tell you a few things since you’re blind, I’m blonde and I’ve got a shotgun handy. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th-degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?”.

The blind man thinks for a second and says “Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times.”

Hunting Trip in Canada

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two guys objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, “Any idea where we are?”

Billy Bob replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Catholic-school Girls Go To Heaven

A train hits a bus full of Catholic high-school girls.

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says, “Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it…”

Catholics in the brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.“

Like Pissing in the Ocean

Two Irishman are lost at sea in a lifeboat. One finds a lamp and rubs it to find a genie who offers them one wish. Before the other can say a word, one of them leaps to his feet and yells, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!”

The genie performs this miracle and vanishes.

The other Irishman glares at the wisher and says “O’Malley, you idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!”