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Bill Burr on Pregnancy and Christmas Stockings

Published by marco on

Bill Burr does an extemporaneous podcast every Monday and Thursday. He is one of the English language’s best living comedians, with a tremendous feel for timing and a much cleverer take on things than he’ll admit (but that’s part of his schtick).

On a recent show, Monday Morning Podcast 22.12.2016, his wife Nia joined him. She is pregnant, several months along. Once you’ve heard the podcast, you’ll wonder at the amount of patience that she brings to the marriage, all the more when very pregnant.

On Pregnancy

At 07:30 into the podcast, Burr’s mixing in exclamations about a Flyers game he’s watching, while making no concession to Nia’s gravid condition.

Bill: You literally just had your arm across your eyes like you can’t listen to another tedious word coming out of my mouth.
Nia: I’m exhausted….
Bill:: (mimics her) I’m exhausted … Nia. I have friends who are way fatter than you and they’re up and about, getting shit done. I don’t know what you’re complaining about. I have friends who are morbidly obese. They’re more active than you are. You’re being a little dramatic.”

On Christmas

At 16:45in, he goes on what seems like an ad-hoc tirade about stockings, socks and then breaks into an impromptu rendition of Silver Bells.

“Stockings, I don’t know about you guys, if you start on the stockings. But we always end on the stocking.

“So you go over to the stocking and it’s like a gift certificate to a book club. And you gotta sit there actin’ like, oh yeah, thank you, … I get to read.

“Awesome.

“What else is in here?

“Oh! New socks! I mean, who couldn’t use new socks? Are these Gold Toe? Ohh, you shouldn’t have.

“I would rather wear one stocking, walking down the street, than Gold Toe socks, just because of what they represent. There’s a lot of blood … and shame … on all those Gold Toe socks. You know? Do you know how many hookers have laid (sic) on motel room floors and the last thing that they saw was somebody’s bloody Gold Toe sock walking towards them?

“It’s so bad. So bad during the holiday season.

“[Sung to the tune of “Silver Bells”]:

“Silver bells
Leaving your family
Going to get a hooker
While the goose cools
Double life
Serial killer
Cops show up one day
And you confess to 40 other killings
And your wife says
Who the fuck are you?
What did I do
With the last 3 decades?
And you stare at her
With no feeling behind your eyes.”