Eurovision 2026 in Vienna, Austria

The hosts of the 2026 ESC are cartoon characters. The lady is a bony, large-lipped, giant-titted, shiny skeleton. What have we done to deserve this?

Semifinal 1

Spoiler alert: not a single one of these songs was worth listening to even once. It was even more of a train wreck than usual. Was it always this terrible or just since they all started using AI to “fine-tune”?

Moldova 🇲🇩

Joyless trash.

Sweden 🇸🇪

Utter trash. The singing ruined an occasionally reasonable electronic beat.

Croatia 🇭🇷

Trash, but at least somewhat musical.

Greece 🇬🇷

WTF. Utterly incoherent. This is not even recognizable as music.

Portugal 🇵🇹

Absolutely not my kind of my music but it was at least a song. The five guys were sympathetic. They looked like they were doing karaoke at a team-building event.

Georgia 🇬🇪

Utterly generic ESC semi-electronica song. Some decent group dance stuff.

Italy

A classic Italian disco song that was positively wholesome after the aural onslaught of the first six songs.

Finland 🇫🇮

Generic ESC trash. Not as offensive as some of the others. It doesn’t feel like Finland—more like Sweden.

Montenegro 🇲🇪

Also a generic ESC song, which means it was trash. The aesthetic was OK. It was vampire-lesbian chic, which could be problematic but they all seemed to be in into it, so off you go.

Estonia 🇪🇪

A straight-up 80s rock song. It was a song, like with a bridge, verses, and a chorus. This was fine. It might even be good if you squint hard enough.

Israel 🇮🇱

Trash. Generic. He sang in French, English, and I believe a bit of Hebrew (probably when he wanted to say some deeply racist anti-Arab slurs). Nice to see that Israel made it, though. You’d think they’d be a bit too busy, what with all the conquering and invading and stuff. It wouldn’t be the ESC without them.

Germany 🇩🇪

Just as a good a picture as any of the ESC 2026A slutty dance number but with terrible dancing. The song sucks. It is beyond generic. Germany is filling in for the Russians’ absence, because they liked to send a group of strippers too when they were still being invited.

Belgium 🇧🇪

Relied too much on the singer’s weak voice over a decent bass beat. Again, ruined by the singing and lyrics.

Lithuania 🇱🇹

Something different. Operatic ESC. E-beat. Still trash.

San Marino 🇸🇲

Generic ESC disco trash.

Poland

Gospel-style mixed with rap. Decent backup dancers. Unoffensive but not really good.

Serbia 🇷🇸

Oh hey, the goth entry. They are at least pretending to play instruments. A bit of a Hellraiser aesthetic. Not a good song. The camerawork is disturbing.

Estonia should move on. Maybe Italy. Maybe Portugal.

Semifinal 2

The second semifinal was of slightly higher quality with 4 or 5 decent acts and a handful of not utterly offensive ones.

Bulgaria 🇧🇬

This is a terrible song that’s trying to make some headway with dance moves and a lead singer with giant breasts and lips like a Zodiac boat. It will probably be enough to move on.

Azerbaijan 🇦🇿

The first slow ballad, I think. It wasn’t offensive but it was not good.

Romania 🇷🇴

The song is called “Choke Me,” so I guess that’s promising. Operatic “metal” (who are we kidding, this is hard rock at most). It’s a gimmick where two female lead singers ask to be punished. Sure, OK. This will probably also be enough to move on.

Luxembourg 🇱🇺

Another ballad. Fully generic. This one is trying to be Björk, with the same look and the same bit of a speech defect. Not offensive but not good.

Czechia 🇨🇿

A male ballad this time. He’s by himself on stage but surrounded by mirrors. His voice isn’t terrible but the song is.

France 🇫🇷

It is utterly unsurprising that the singer simply repeats the chorus “Regarde moi” the whole time. It’s an operatic ballad. Some decent dance choreography. This was probably one of the better songs so far.

Armenia 🇦🇲

This is ESC quirky with a lot of tempo changes, strobe lights—oh sweet God the strobe lights—and a lot of yelling and fast, incoherent “music”.

Switzerland 🇨🇭

A blues song? Like, what? No frenzied pace? No screaming? It’s a song? There is way too much strobing but her voice is good and the song … is good? Did I change the channel by accident? Look, before you say it, I couldn’t care less if Switzerland wins but they have, hands down, the best song so far. I would have Shazamed it if it had come on the radio. I also like Veronica’s look: big 70s glasses and big, feathered 70s hair. Not slutty, which is a welcome change of pace from pretty much all of the other female acts.

Cyprus 🇨🇾

She’s fit so that’ll be a whole bunch of votes right there. The song is generic and uninspiring. Lots of tanned skin on stage, though. The song feels really long.

Austria 🇦🇹

Singing in German. Starts off with a cool top-down camera view, cartoon-like. Generic ESC stuff but relatively well-done. Not obnoxious. Whimsical costumes. The dance moves are kind of quaint and simple. A more human music, if that’s the right way of putting it? Genuine, maybe?

Latvia 🇱🇻

Another operatic ballad. This one’s not terrible, so it should probably move on, given that all but three of the preceding songs were trash.

Denmark 🇩🇰

A goth-y generic rock-ish song with a techno beat. His voice isn’t bad but the song is. Mucho pyrotechnics.

Australia 🇦🇺

Bro, another operatic ballad. This sounds like a Disney theme song. Her voice isn’t bad, though. It’s a bit of a Celine Dion vibe. Not my kind of music but hey, it wasn’t actively painful to listen to. She’s pretending to play a golden piano that you absolutely cannot hear. Wait, you could hear it for a bit…but then it kept playing even after she picked up the mic again.

Ukraine 🇺🇦

Another operatic ballad, accompanied by a bandura (Ukrainian lute) for a hot second but you mostly can’t hear it. She has a good voice but the song is quite generic. It’s not really much worse than Australia, though. It is at this point in the evening that it becomes difficult to even tell them apart. She’s got a set of lungs on her, though.

United Kingdom 🇬🇧

Thank God, finally one that is unequivocally bad because the UK almost always sucks so hard. Christ almighty that was awful.

Albania 🇦🇱

An operatic male with a bit more of a rock beat. Not a ballad. He’s by himself on stage. Cool costume. Looks like Ibrahimovic. They have subtitles for his Albanian lyrics. I guess it was important to him. I didn’t hate it.

Malta 🇲🇹

This starts off as a 50s-style crooner by a guy in a sleeveless, leather outfit. He’s singing in Italian and English. It’s not really my thing but it’s well-done and it’s not demanding attention. His voice is good.

Norway 🇳🇴

A good rock song with a structure that is very much like a song. His voice isn’t bad; good stage presence. It’s a bit bland but the bass line is good. It’s a mediocre-to-good 80s rock song. Kind of a bit of a Billy Idol vibe to it.

Switzerland should definitely move on. Also Malta. OK, fine, Norway. Also probably Austria. Maybe France. Latvia if you insist.

Guess what, though? Switzerland didn’t move on. C’est la vie.

I will not be watching or even half-listening to the finals on Saturday because I am not a masochist.