Life according to Hollywood

Being a cop

1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
3. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
4. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
5. All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
6. If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
7. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Action & Fighting

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts − your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade- at any time of the year.
4. Even if you’ve been set up for murder, been framed and/or have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after as long as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.
5. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
6. No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more − and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day
7. You can always hide from armed guards by clinging to the ceiling. They will never look up.
8. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
9. Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed

Vehicles

1. Anyone can easily hot-wire a car with the two wires that are always exposed under the dashboard.
2. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
3. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
4. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Guns & Bombs

1. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
2. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
3. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. If you want to blow up a car for any reason, just shoot it three times.
5. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition − even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
6. Guns are like disposable razors − if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

Travelling abroad

1. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
2. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
3. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
4. Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.

Love

1. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war − unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Any woman who has just witnessed the murder of any close family member will never be so traumatized that she will be unable to make love to the hero who saved her.
4. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off − even while scuba diving.

Physics & Technology

1. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
2. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
3. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
5. Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
6. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
7. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Disasters & The Supernatural

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
2. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
3. If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath − even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.
4. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting − especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
5. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
6. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you’re likely to need one.
7. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them
8. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
9. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Life

1. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill − just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
2. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
3. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
6. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
7. All single women have a cat.
8. All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house…unless there is a insane killer about
9. Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom
10. Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.
11. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
12. Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.
13. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people − whether they are employed or not.