Bank Charge

This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it
amusing enough to publish in the New York times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking
as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have
noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you
must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that
the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an
extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension
5. of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of
7. bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
8. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
9. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
10. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
11. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
12. access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
13. date to the contact.
14. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
15. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
16. automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
17. wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen
18. a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:…….“Oh, the banks are made of
19. marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver
20. That the miners sweated for” After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
21. contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost − a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
$20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5
per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.