Comic Book History

That title is disengenuous. Anyone who’s ever really read comic books knows that comic books have much better dialogue and much better plot than the cheap version of history being served us by this pathetic brigade of fools in charge of the largest weapons store on Earth.

If you didn’t even feel a little bit stupid being American watching Bush strutting around on the deck of that aircraft carrier to “close out the war”, in a flight suit no less, then you obviously weren’t paying attention.

When I saw the first picture of him in a flight suit, I thought to myself, “finally, a little muck-raking about his military history — finally going to hold him account for those 2 years of missing service.” But then I noticed that he looked a lot older and jauntier than in the other pictures from 1972, when he didn’t feel like serving in the National Guard anymore.

Apparently these days, he feels secure enough to don a flight suit again, knowing that the media has been sufficient cowed and weeded of malcontents, so that he can only gain percentage points from such a maneuver. It’s also quite apparent that everyone involved thinks enough Americans are infantile enough to believe that this is an appropriate ending to a war of conquest. Ask yourself how that stunt looked on Al Jazeera and consider again how cool and clever our President is. Calculate the damage down to any remaining respectability. Figure out how many years it will take to repair the damage done just in that one day.

How did the press respond? Unanimously, like cheerleaders. You’re probably not even allowed on the boat without signing a waiver. Heck, you’re probably not allowed in the press corps without signing a waiver. Check out The President Afloat from the Daily Show video archive (Real Player required, but highly recommended).

Then today, I see him on the lawn (of the White House?) at a little wooden podium, which looks ridiculous (I don’t know how they think that lends any pomp to the occasion), leaning jauntily on one elbow, as he likes to do, explaining how certain members of the “deck” aren’t behaving … then he reels off a half-assed sentence about not being able to find the Aces, Kings, or Queens, so we’ll have to find the …. water carriers … for the Aces, Kings and Queens.

What is he referring to? Why, in typical comic-book, little-boys-with-toys fashion, we’re passing out tens of thousands of decks of cards, with pictures of evil-doers on them. I’m not joking. This is a supposedly cheap way of making each soldier aware of whose head we want on a platter. Besides the fact that to the squadrons of undereducated hicks we shovel into the desert, all those “towel-heads” look the same, I think most soldiers are going to suffer a real morale loss when they unpack their cards and see not naked, very flexible ladies, but grainy pictures of just the hairiest damn people you’ve ever seen. Beards and mustaches everywhere. One can only hope this makes more soldiers realize just how damned stupid their commanders are.

Not that the cards don’t have any value. Don’t get me wrong. Check out how excited Stephen Colbert, of the Daily Show is, in The New Iraq (RealPlayer).

But getting back to Bush. The guy quite literally never makes any sense. I can’t understand a word he’s saying. It’s not like normal politicians, where you can see that they’re deliberately avoiding saying anything. In his case, it seems he’s struggling massively to get some sort of a point across, but, perhaps realizing how idiotic what he wants to say is, he attempts to imbue it with a pithiness beyond his capabilities. Or maybe, he’s just gotten ahold of some of Afghanistan’s (once again) #1 export.

His staff is no better. Have you seen Rumsfeld lately? Does he ever say anything worth repeating? He too seems like he’s trying mightily to sound important, but he knows if he ever speaks his mind, he’ll be exposed for the evil cockroach he is. QOPS (Daily Show; RealPlayer required; 1:50 into the clip) has a great interview with him. He’s on a plane and has the look of a trapped animal; he’s squeezing out some words, trying to satisfy the hungry liberal media beast and manages:

“…and we intend to stay there and work with the international community and attempt to assist them to transition them from where they were to where they’re going.”

Fabulous. That’s the exact kind of nebulous non-statement I was talking about earlier that Bush isn’t capable of putting together. Rumsfeld managed it, but only barely — he was hanging on for dear life near the end. Lucky for him, the lapdog media was immensely satisfied with it, presumably dressed it up with a “bold view of the future” headline and served it up steaming hot for mass consumption by an uncaring American public. Hey, maybe not you, maybe not anybody you know, but somebody’s saying yes in those national polls.

Who else is really interesting lately in the Bush Administration? How about General Jay Garner? Have you seen this guy? Somebody’s got a serious McArthur fixation. The New Iraq on the Daily Show gives you some nice footage of the guy. He’s a former general who used to run a military company which provided the weapons to blow up Iraq. And now he’s in charge of rebuilding it. Talk about coming full circle. About midway through this clip (Magical Victory Tour), you get a great quote from him, really establishing that well-rounded view we’ve come to expect from the sensitive, worldly people representing the US for us:

“We oughta be beating our chests every day, we oughta look in a mirror and stick out our chests and suck in our bellies and say Damn! We’re Americans.”

What does he mean, oughta? What, I can’t be the only one, can I?

Incidentally, that clip also contains the most fantastic opening lines:

“Saddam Hussein may have just been the appetizer on a banquet of American “whoopass”. … Though the US has digested and passed an entire Middle Eastern country, its maw hangs slack and drooling for more.”

Bravo, Jon. Bravo. I wonder which country Jon will be forced to move to? Probably Canada.

We’ve also got Paul Wolfowitz, who Jon Stewart of the Daily Show says has “…an ideology which is just a wheelchair away from Dr. Strangelove’s…”. He’s the main architect of America’s bold new preemptive strike doctrine. My sincerest thanks go out to this unelected individual for his glorious contribution to society.

And you know who else is gloriously contributing to society? Senator Rick (Tricky Dick) Santorum. He’s the third-ranked senator, whatever that means (do they have prize fights in the capitol?) and recently vented a fascinatingly cogent argument against homosexuality. Instead of quoting him, I’ll illustrate his stupidity by quoting the reporter interviewing him (a woman, by the way):

“I’m sorry, … I just didn’t expect to be talking about “man on dog” with a Senator”

From that reaction, I’ll let you imagine just how far afield Mr. Santorum wandered in his attempt to properly clarify his views of homosexuality.

Are we serious here?

Do the people supporting this [fill-in-the-blank-with-your-expletive-of-choice] administration really not notice how surrealistic this has gotten? They’re not even pretending to be normal anymore. It’s as if your Dad got caught nancing around in little girl’s underwear and now he just doesn’t care anymore — now he just sits around watching TV in a bondage suit and a bra — what are you going to do? Kick him out?

They know most people just have their fingers in their ears and their eyes closed, waiting for the nineties to come back. They know they can do whatever they want as long as they mouth the right platitudes. Enough people will be nosed along by their combination flag-waving and patriotic bullying. Enough people want to be a member of the club that they’ll settle for being toadies in the bully’s gang.

Did you hear that the Republican National Convention has been moved back one week to coincide with the anniversary of 9/11? Still don’t feel manipulated? That was Karl Rove’s idea. I didn’t even get to him — his evil wouldn’t fit in this article (plus the Daily Show hasn’t mentioned him lately).