Financial Report Translated to English
The word “bailout” sounds so crass; it is to be avoided at all costs. Far better to dress up an announcement of corporate socialism in language the layman will interpret as sound financial planning, to make a statement to imbues on with a feeling that there is nothing to see here—just very knowledgeable people managing the very complex economy to the very best of their abilities to ensure as well as possible for you, the little guy. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like that, but, despite all evidence to the contrary, they do have your personal best interests at heart, but must naturally take into account far larger issues, which you are ill-equipped to comprehend, when shovelling cartloads of your tax-donations around. It’s all very much on the up-and-up. Take the latest news from Wall Street below:
“JPMorgan Chase & Co. (NYSE: JPM − News) announced that, in conjunction with the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, it has agreed to provide secured funding to Bear Stearns, as necessary, for an initial period of up to 28 days. Through its Discount Window, the Fed will provide non-recourse, back-to-back financing to JPMorgan Chase. Accordingly, JPMorgan Chase does not believe this transaction exposes its shareholders to any material risk. (emphasis added.)”
The first highlighted term—non-recourse—is another way of saying gift. It means that JPMorgan is under no obligation to pay back the financing if they would find it economically inconvenient to do so. The next highlighted phrase is insulting, as it grinds our collective taxpaying noses in that fact. Not only is the government giving taxpayer money away to private corporations—corporations, which are solely responsible for their own predicament—the corporations don’t even have the decency to be thankful. JPMorgan isn’t going to spend that money on itself; instead, it will openly transfer the full sum of the gift to its very good friend, Bear Stearns, which has a notorious gambling problem.
The Fed is not bailing out Bear Stearns directly—that would be too crass even for them. Instead, it is laundering money through—scratch that, loaning money to—another, more financially viable firm, which will do the dirty deed of transferring money to the incorrigible gambler.
In other news, the only person in recent memory who had had any success in standing up to—and putting a stop to—such skullduggery is currently being crucified in the media for having hired a prostitute and has resigned from his post.
In other, other news, federal funds for scholarships and education have dried up and will not be renewed, due to the current economic situation. this stands to reason, as there can hardly be any money left over for such trivialities after rescuing such vital drivers of the economy like Bear Stearns from their own crimes.