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Capsule Movie Reviews Vol.2022.10

Published by marco on

These are my notes to remember what I watched and kinda what I thought about it. I’ve recently transferred my reviews to IMDb and made the list of around 1600 ratings publicly available. I’ve included the individual ratings with my notes for each movie. These ratings are not absolutely comparable to each other—I rate the film on how well it suited me for the genre and my mood and. let’s be honest, level of intoxication. YMMV. Also, I make no attempt to avoid spoilers.

The Expendables 3 (2014) — 6/10

The first act has the team freeing Doctor Death (Wesley Snipes) from a Syrian prison. This is where they found out that Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) is back to make their lives miserable. Stonebanks deliberately wounds Hale Caesar (Terry Cruise), taking him out of the action for the rest of the movie. Max Drummer (Harrison Ford) is their new manager. Because Caesar was injured, Barney (Sylvester Stallone) decides everyone’s too old for this shit and lets them all go. That’s Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), and Toll Road (Randy Couture), as well as Doctor Death, who’d just gotten back.

Barney gets a new team, consisting of Thorn (Glen Powell), Luna (Ronda Rousey), Mars (Victor Ortiz), and Smilee (Kellan Lutz). Galgo (Antonio Banderas) is left off the team, despite being hilarious and enthusiastic. I absolutely had no idea what those names were until I looked them on on Wikipedia and IMDb. They are completely irrelevant. Of course they sneer at the old guard and make a bunch of old-guy jokes. Of course they completely disregard any of the old guard’s many amazing accomplishments. Of course they have no respect for anyone’s skills but their own. Of course they’re completely cocky and suffer from an incredible surfeit of confidence. Of course they get kidnapped by Stonebanks at the end of their very first mission, which they ran with Trench Mauser (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Barney.

Of course Barney escapes and survives to fight another day. Of course Galgo is half-heartedly welcomed onto Barney’s “team” to try to rescue the young guns. Of course Stonebanks sets up an elaborate trap in a foreign country. Of course the original Expendables demand that they be allowed to help. Of course they rescue everybody and realize that working together they’re even more powerful than ever! Go Joe! Because knowing is half the battle!

And, of course, Barney faces off against Stonebanks, who of course manages to outmatch him right until he doesn’t and Barney of course wins. Of course Barney runs up eight stories of building in four seconds, running Sylvester Stallone-style across an imploding roof to catch the rope hanging from a helicopter piloted by Drummer and filled with Expendables. Of course this all works despite Barney having just gotten thrashed to within an inch of his life and having a bullet wound or ten.

Of course they all end up at a bar together looking like a fucking circus. Of course I enjoyed it. It’s stupid, but it’s coherent and fun. I’d seen this movie before, but I couldn’t find a previous review.

John Wick 3: Parabellum (2019) — 8/10

See my review from 2019.

At the time, I wrote,

“The Adjucator—a sort of cop from the “High Table”—is a bit of a Deus Ex Machina (it’s unclear why she has such latitude—I mean, the High Table has sway, but most of the people she confronts are nearly in open rebellion of it), but it doesn’t make much sense to dwell on it, to be honest.”

I am no longer feeling so generous. This whole adjudicator plot-line doesn’t hold up on re-watching. It is honestly unclear why she has such power. Somebody could just whack her supercilious ass at any moment and no-one would know, but it doesn’t happen—this, among people who all kill for a living. It’s a bit odd. I suppose the magical power of the High Table holds sway over everyone, but it’s a bit of a contrived way to try to develop tension.

I get it, John Wick is also an unexplained force of nature, but he’s why I’m watching. I do not care about the adjudicator who appeared out of nowhere and seems to be more powerful than John Wick’s reputation. Convince me I should instead of just ordering me to.

In the final slaughter, he keeps taking people out despite their body armor and helmets—but never thinks to take any of their body armor or helmets for himself. He’s just out there without a helmet, taking care of business.

Iliza Schlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) — 9/10

She honestly made me cry laughing once or twice. Delivery is great. Material is reasonably fresh.

Describing weigh-loss: “Basically, whatever you weighed when you were 12, that’s the weight you spend the rest of your life trying to get back to.”

Describing a bra: “Like two contact lenses held together with dental floss.”

Severance S01 (2021) — 8/10

This is the story of a company named Lumen, which has a department called Severance. The work done in this department is so secret that its employees must agree to undergo a procedure that separates their memories into two selves: a work self and a private self. The office is very, very minimalist. The office is in a deep basement. The transition between personalities happens in the elevator, on the way up or down. Some people are not severed, while others are. The severed all have an innie and an outie, neither of whom have any idea what the other is doing.

Mark (Adam Scott) took the job because he’s trying to escape the fact of his wife’s death. His innie has lost his best friend Petey (Yul Vazquez), who used to head the department until he suddenly … didn’t. And now Mark’s in charge of the others, Irving (John Turturro) and Dylan (Zach Cherry), which doesn’t sit well with either of them. They are joined by a new co-worker Helly (Britt Lower)
who is having some serious issues getting adjusted to having been severed. To say that she’s resentful is an understatement. After trying to get a message to her outie, she dials it up by trying to hang herself.

Their immediate overseer is Milchick (Tramell Tillman), an absolute sadist who administers punishments when required. And they’re required a lot. It’s not physical—all of the punishments are absolutely psychologically crippling. His immediate boss is Harmony Cobel (Patricia Arquette), who actually lives right next to Mark on the surface. She actually starts to insinuate her way into his life by cozying up to his sister Devon (Jen Tullock) and her wacky husband Ricken (Michael Chernus).

Somewhere in there is a storyline where Irv falls in love with Burt (Christopher Walken)—the head of a different department, then must deal with his loss when Burt “retires”. Burt retires on the surface, but in the “innie” world, Burt will disappear forever.

Mark determines that Petey was on to something and had learned that Lumen was able to switch their innies and outies at will. They figure out how to do this and set up a night where the innies will be out rather than the outies. We already knew who Mark was, but we find out that Irv is a painter who keeps painting the exact same thing every day and that he has a dog. Dylan has a kid. Helly is the best one—she’s actually on the board of directors of Lumen and manages to reveal to everyone that the innies suffer. Mark finds out that his wife is still alive and has also been severed. They’ve actually met as innies.

In Bruges (2008) — 8/10
See my review from 2015. It held up quite well on a second viewing. Both Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are phenomenal. Colin Farrell is nearly transcendent.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014) — 4/10

It starts off pretty hyper-jingoistic and doesn’t get much better. Kevin Costner (playing Thomas Harper, head of a secret unit) is always pretty heavy-handed when he’s in something like this. Chris Pine (playing Jack Ryan) is affable (it’s why I started watching), but he can’t do much with it. And then Keira Knightley shows up (as Cathy Muller) and makes everything worse, as usual.

The plot is kind of current, though: it’s about pipeline debates between the U.S. and Russia.

But, yeah, whatever interest Pine’s performance awakens, Knightley’s suckage eats right up. I take it back, Kenneth Branagh as Viktor Cheverin absolutely limbos under Knightley’s performance, with his absolutely ridiculous Russian accent and his absolutely ridiculous threat to put a lightbulb in Knightley’s mouth as the ultimate form of Russian-style torture. :“I’m putting lightbulb in her mouth, Jack!”, in that horrible accent. Jesus, what a culturally offensive mess.

It’s also neat to watch the FBI and State Department acting with impunity in Moscow, like officially, with S.W.A.T.-style units and everything.

The film starts off with Jack Ryan getting knocked into serious physical rehabilitation, but it’s unclear what this has to do with the rest of the film, other than to perhaps explains why he takes a desk job? In the end, it’s his brains that prevail. Hooray.

The Philadelphia Experiment (2012) — 4/10

This is a remake of a 1984 original that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen, but which I couldn’t remember at all. I somehow feel that that version was better. The remake leaned heavily on its ability to outshine the original in special effects, but was so-so in all other respects.

Basically, the Philadelphia is an aircraft carrier that appears out of a wormhole of sorts, transporting the few surviving crew into the future. One of them meets his granddaughter. It’s all a bit confused. Some people are trying to harness this time-traveling power for a weapon whereas others are interested in making the whole experiment finally end.

I Am Wrath (2016) — 4/10
This isn’t really a remake, but it’s a trope: man loses wife to a violent crime and goes on a completely justified vigilante rampage. This time it’s John Travolta carrying the mantle of formerly highly skilled killer and now highly aggrieved victim who’d hunting down cartoonishly evil baddies. It basically sucks.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) — 4/10

I still stand by my review from 2015.

This movie was somehow more acceptable when watched askance and in German.

Top Gun: Maverick (2022) — 8/10

Things that ruled:

  • Maverick’s (Tom Cruise) early takeoff in the Darkstar (fictitious) airplane, which looked freaking amazing. The low takeoff which lifted the roof off of a building was amazing. Maverick’s breaking of Mach 10 was wonderfully done. Pure adrenalin. Being Maverick, he had to take it farther, destroying the aircraft in the process.
  • Cruise and Kilmer, on-screen together, probably for the last time, with Kilmer significantly diminished but still fighting. That was nicely filmed and, honestly, got me right in the feels, because I grew up with both of them—and, honestly, liked Kilmer a lot better in their respective primes, with his mix of action and comedy in Top Secret! and the absolutely inestimable Real Genius, which was literally foundational for me.
  • Maverick’s training run—15 seconds faster than the already suicidally tightly planned 2:30—was also pretty amazing. Really well-done. Whenever Cruise is doing awesome stuff on-screen, you can just lean back and enjoy it.
  • The actual mission run was also pretty great, except for the stupidly long time they let Rooster be inadequately slow, as if he would have to work out his inability to seize the moment until he’s literally in enemy territory. Right up until the SAMs started going was fantastic. It stretched out a bit after that, but Maverick’s rescue of Rooster was great.
  • Rooster’s rescue of Maverick was pretty great, too, winding up a bit into the ridiculous, but finally actually dropping its too-serious mien and just going for it. When Maverick and Rooster meet in the snow in enemy territory:

    Maverick: What were you thinking?
    Rooster: I wasn’t! Just like you told me to!
    Maverick:…”

  • Stealing the F-14 and getting it up in the air was also pretty freaking great. Just pure adrenalin and wonderfully filmed, foot-pedals and all. Maverick took out one of the enemies immediately, then fought like hell to take out the other one, all in a comparatively ancient plane. Then another one showed up.

So, yeah, there was plenty to enjoy, but … it also dragged on a bit during some of the talking stuff. I’m not opposed, but a lot of it was pretty wooden. They spent a lot of time building out characters that went nowhere and could have significantly cut down on the running time if they’d just edited a bit more judiciously.

Also, don’t think about the fact that their mission was to fly into enemy territory, blow shit up, and then get back to an aircraft carrier parked just miles off of the enemy’s coast. Interestingly, that aircraft carrier seems to be a safe home base that the enemy cannot attack in any way whatsoever. That is, they had one airstrip, a couple of fifth-generation air fighters, and a nuclear power-plant built in literally the most inaccessible place you could possibly place it—and literally no other striking power. No more planes, no more missiles, absolutely nothing they could lob at the sitting duck of an aircraft carrier on their front step.