How to watch a Bush speech

Coming up tomorrow night is a State of the Union address by the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. Considering some of the humdingers thrown around last year, the state of the country this year and the fact that it’s an election year, this year’s should be the best ever!

To get ready, you can go the serious route or the hell-in-a-handbasket route.

The serious route is a single sheet of paper, a State of the Union Scorecard (TomPaine.com), in which the major issues facing our nation our succintly outlined. These are the kinds of things that a ‘State of the Union’, if taken literally, should probably contain. After each of the 6 issues are 3 columns: acknowledged, ignored and spun. Be careful not to fill in for ‘acknowledged’ too quickly because it might be ‘spun’ a sentence or two later. I’m going to make another column for ‘Outright lied because he knows not enough Americans get real information from their carefully controlled media sources, so no one will notice.’ ‘Spun’, for the most part, doesn’t seem strong enough for this administration.

I know, I know. It sounds like a lot of work. Granted, there are only 6 issues, but you’ve probably got to pay attention and stay awake for the damned thing. I’m not sure if it’s even broadcast here, so I’ll probably just read through the thing on Wednesday (missing all the folksy charm et. al.).

For more fun, try the The State of the Union Address Drinking Game by Will Durst (AlterNet). This bad boy’s got it all, with way more rules than you’ll know what to do with. I think you’ll get plenty drunk if you stick to these choice rules:

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• Whenever George W. mentions the liberation of the freedom-loving Iraqi people, the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has to drink four shots of beer.
• Whenever George W. uses the words: “God,” “America” or “jobs,” drink a shot of beer. (that’ll kill you right there)
• Whenever George W. smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double-time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
• If George W. Bush attempts to make a joke, anybody who laughs drinks three shots of beer. (not sure if the punishment is strong enough for this one)

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If you’re the inventive type, do both at the same time; let the drinking game take the stress out of filling out the scorecard.

Cheers!