Steroids and abstinence

President Bush has been on television a few times in the last few weeks, first giving his State of the Union address, then in a more recent interview on ‘Meet the Press’.

After the State of the Union (2004 edition), it was apparent that Bush was honing his laser-like focus on a new batch of enemies for this election year: gays, teenage-sex and steroids. It used to be unions, the poor, terrorists, communists, but, having vanquished all forms of evil abroad, he’s ready to fight domestic problems.

And those are, apparently, the big three. Once those three are out of the way, it’s on to Mars!

There’s still one old enemy lurking in our schoolyards, though: teachers. Thy continue to be terrible and clamor for too much pay, despite their overwhelming wealth and domination of American society.

• So, let’s see, all kids, gay or straight, are succumbing to the evils of pre-marriage sex, and will be given $500 million to see the light and enjoy their lives without sex. Or masturbating (faith-based absitenence programs only, please).
• Gays will never, ever, ever be allowed to marry, as that would sully the sanctity of marriage, as evinced by the nationwide 60% divorce rate. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t gays getting covertly married that was actually the cause of all of the divorce today. Like that of that paragon of virtue, Britney Spears. I’m surprised he didn’t mention her.
• And you kids, without the benefit of any sort of decent education — stop emulating your favorite sports stars, who are up to their eyeballs in steroids, trying to maintain performance in the ridiculously overpaid world of sports. You’re embarrasing and weakening America and almost single-handedly responsible for the poor economy.

The discussion at So, How’s Your Union? (Plastic) is fun and informative, with Let me try to help break it down for you (Plastic) taking the prize for the best SOTU interpretation around (He appears to have gone to the trouble of ‘translating’ the whole speech).

“As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure. I laughed at Dick the first time he told me that Halliburton could be even more profitable if they had their own army. Now I’m starting to see what he was talking about.”

For a more … um, balanced look at the facts vis-a-vis Bush’s speech, check out What Bush Left Unsaid in State of the Union Address (FactCheck.Org). For more satirical fun and a complete rewrite of Bush’s speech, head on over to The 2004 State of the Union… (WhiteHouse.Org).

“ Moving forward, our nation faces a choice. We can act like a sissy little school girl, and waste a bunch of time thinking and talking about boring, non-terror-related stuff – or we can be a massively studly dude, and stay totally focused on bringing the world’s most powerful arsenal to bear upon a few hundred hole-dwelling, lice-bearded boogey men. Now some say I’m thick as a brick, but I’m not blind to the irony there. Whoever would have guessed that Americans could believe that the only way to be “tough” is to twist your panties in a frantic perma-knot over some boxcutter-wielding religious loonies all named Mohammed? Not me, for one. But hey, whatever works! (Applause.)”

If you need a critique with pictures, then Get Your War On 31 (MNFTIU) is the one for you. They picked up on the fact that WMD had easily morphed into “Weapons of Mass Destruction Program-related Activities”.