Troubleshooting for drunks

I know it’s too late for Saint Patrick’s Day, but here it is anyway. Some of you can probably use it any day of the week.

Feet cold and wet.

• problem − Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• solution − Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

• problem − Improper bladder control.
• solution − Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

• problem − Glass empty.
• solution − Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

• problem − You have fallen over backward.
• solution − Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

• problem − You have fallen forward.
• solution − See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

• problem − Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
• solution − Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.

• problem − You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
• solution − Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.

• problem − You are being carried out.
• solution − Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.

• problem − Bar has closed.
• solution − Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

• problem − Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
• solution − Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

• problem − You are dancing on the table.
• solution − Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.

• problem − It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
• solution − Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

• problem − You have been in a fight.
• solution − Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.

• problem − You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
• solution − See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.

• problem − The beer is too weak.
• solution − Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don’t remember the words to the song.

• problem − Beer is just right.
• solution − Play air guitar.

Many thanks to Rob and Jeff for passing this along.