I know it's too late for Saint Patrick's Day, but here it is anyway. Some of you can probably use it any day of the week. <dl dt_class="field" dd_class="detail"> Feet cold and wet. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Glass being held at incorrect angle. <i>solution</i> - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. </ul> Feet warm and wet. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Improper bladder control. <i>solution</i> - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. </ul> Beer unusually pale and tasteless. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Glass empty. <i>solution</i> - Get someone to buy you another beer. </ul> Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You have fallen over backward. <i>solution</i> - Have yourself lashed to bar. </ul> Mouth contains cigarette butts. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You have fallen forward. <i>solution</i> - See above. </ul> Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. <i>solution</i> - Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. </ul> Floor blurred. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. <i>solution</i> - Get someone to buy you another beer. </ul> Floor moving. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You are being carried out. <i>solution</i> - Find out if you are being taken to another bar. </ul> Room seems unusually dark. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Bar has closed. <i>solution</i> - Confirm home address with bartender. </ul> Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. <i>solution</i> - Cover mouth. </ul> Everyone looks up to you and smiles. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You are dancing on the table. <i>solution</i> - Fall on somebody cushy-looking. </ul> Beer is crystal-clear. <ul> <i>problem</i> - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. <i>solution</i> - Punch him. </ul> Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You have been in a fight. <i>solution</i> - Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. </ul> Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. <ul> <i>problem</i> - You've wandered into the wrong party. <i>solution</i> - See if they have free beer. </ul> Your singing sounds distorted. <ul> <i>problem</i> - The beer is too weak. <i>solution</i> - Have more beer until your voice improves. </ul> Don't remember the words to the song. <ul> <i>problem</i> - Beer is just right. <i>solution</i> - Play air guitar. </ul> </dl> <span class="notes">Many thanks to Rob and Jeff for passing this along.</span>