Rules for Being Republican
Published by marco on
Rules for Being Republican (Democracy Means You)
It’s a cheap shot, but what the hell.
Since the author’s unknown, I figure the site just copy/pasted from an email. So I reprinted it in its entirety.
- You must believe that being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an “illness” and requires our prayers for your “recovery”.
- You have to truly believe that people, who are privileged from birth, achieve success all on their own.
- You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, AND that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
- You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the “wrong” gender.
- You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
- You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Kali.
- “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
- You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions effecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
- You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of welfare, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
- You hate the ALCU for representing atheists and homos, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
- You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.
- You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for gov! ernor of California as a Republican.
- You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don’t have condoms they won’t have sex.
- You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.
- You have to believe that federally funded universal health insurance is socialist and wrong, and that HMO’s and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.
- You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy, but providing health care to all Americans is the epitome of socialism.
- You believe that “tobacco’s link to cancer” and “global warming” are “junk science”, but creationism should be taught in schools.
- You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam, but right in Iraq.
- You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we-can’t-find-Bin Laden” diversion.
- You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers explicitly named in the Constitution, except for banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.
- You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a “private matter”.
- You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but that Bush was right to censor 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can’t handle the truth.
- You support state’s rights, which means Ashcroft telling the states, which locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.
- You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's (“Whitewater”) is of vital national interest, but what Bush did decades later is “stale news” and “irrelevant”.
- You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communistic and oppressive, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.