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19 years Ago

ACLU Looks into the Near Future

Published by marco on

Here’s a neat little take on a possible future for consumers in America called Summer Surveillance Campaign (Flash). It’s about a guy who’s just trying to order a pizza; little does he know that the pizza parlor has recently hooked into “The System”.

Fighting Windows® Again

Published by marco on

Fake Windows Features (Something Awful) is the latest installment of the Comedy Goldmine feature there. The two graphics below are the two I thought were the best, but feel free to have a look around yourself. They deal with the small things that Windows just can’t seem to get right: applications that steal focus and sorting by name in the programs menu.

It’s funny because it’s true.

20 years Ago

Map of Springfield (Simpsons)

Published by marco on

 Guide to SpringField USA is an excruciatingly detailed map of Springfield, home to the Simpsons. There is a ‘sliced’ version, which shows zoomed-in and browsable maps of the different sections, a Big Map (in PNG format) and also a PDF version, which can be printed.

The authors subjected themselves to “numerous viewings of most episodes of the Simpsons”, then built the map:

“While the placement of most locations is arbitrary, many are placed according to where they appear in relationship to each... [More]”

Female Empowerment?

Published by marco on

 100-Pound Woman Downs Six-Pound Burger (ABC) is the story that shows that a women can be just as good at doing stupid stuff as a man. In fact, even better. I found it impossible to read this article without getting slightly nauseous as it tells of “Ye Old 96er”, which is a “six-pound hamburger − and five pounds of fixins’”. All to be eaten in under three hours and you get it for free. Plus a T-Shirt.

What’s amazing is that tiny Kate Stelnick, 19, all 100 pounds of her, managed what “420-pound …... [More]”

Nutritional Value of an iPod shuffle

Published by marco on

As you may have heard, Apple has had its annual MacWorld, at which it announced a couple of new hardware products (and a slew of software products). One of them is the iPod shuffle, which is quite small and is pictured on their website next to a couple of packs of gum for comparison.

Looks normal enough, but note the (2) next to the caption. If you scroll to the bottom of the page, you find the footnotes, as shown below (with the two helpfully circled for the numerically challenged).

“Do... [More]”

Electronic Voting in Florida

Published by marco on

We’ve all heard about how hard it can be to vote in America.

  1. If, God forbid, you want someone other than Kerry or Bush, their respective parties may have done a lot of legwork to keep your preferred candidate entirely off the ballot
  2. If you’re in a state that dumps all of its electoral votes to whichever candidate gets the most votes, you’re out of luck for having your voice heard
  3. If you’re in Florida and you’re black, there’s a good chance you’ll be turned away from the polls
  4. If you’re in... [More]

British rescue America!

Published by marco on

Dear Limey assholes (Guardian Unlimited) documents the replies sent by Americans when over 11,000 Brits sent “voting recommendations” for people living in Ohio. The title of the article reflects the sentiments of at least half of the letters; they evoked personal stereotypes about the British, brought up “saving their asses” in the second world war or threatened all-out attack. About a third of the letters were just effusive thanks for support, falling all over themselves in joy at having found kindred spirits across... [More]

Alternate liquor warning labels

Published by marco on

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that they display one or more of the following label warnings:

WARNING
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again... [More]

Funeral Procession

Published by kavorka on

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral
coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn’t stand his curiosity ..

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, “I am so sorry for
your loss, and I know now... [More]

How the British colonies were settled

Published by marco on

Question

“Why did Australia get all the convicts and America get all the religious nuts?”

Answer

“Australia got first choice.”

The “Lud” Crossword

Published by marco on

There’s this crossword puzzle online. It’s from the Ludington Daily News, a newspaper in Michigan. There are a lot of crossword puzzles online — the New York Newsday is a pretty good one, with a Saturday Stumper from hell.

The “Lud” is different. It breaks every crossword puzzle rule in the book. It never has a theme. And it mixes hard and easy clues in a way like no other crossword I’ve ever seen. Some of the somewhat easier ones include gems like:

  1. Set again
  2. Woody plant
  3. Leg joint
  4. Foot... [More]

Brewing Tea on the Enterprise

Published by marco on

 Star Trek Flat affords you a look into a world few know: geek interior design.

What do you do if you’ve got a lot of time on your hands, considerable do-it-yourself skills, a bunch of cash and no friends in sight?

You redesign your entire apartment so that it looks like the inside of the Starship Enterprise


 When you’re done, you try to sell it (EBay) for a million bucks and see if you can find a rich, lazy geek who wants to live in England.

I was going to name the article, “How not to get laid in... [More]

JibJab’s “This Land is Your Land”

Published by marco on

This Land is Your Land is good Flash; Flash put to a better purpose than burning out your retinas with advertising. It’s a parody of the Woody Guthrie song that rips Bush, Kerry, the US Media, US consumerism (the part with the Native American and the Walmarts popping up like mushrooms was funny). Check it out for a good laugh.

If you have trouble downloading it, try it here at The Land is Your Land (local copy). They, of course, have a little copyright infringement thing with the owners of... [More]

Eric Idle’s FCC Song

Published by marco on

The FCC Song by Eric Idle (MP3) is the first I’ve heard from him in a while … and he’s mad. He’s got an official announcement on his web site. The lyrics are available in full and here’s a little sample (just to show you it’s not work safe).

“Fuck you very much the FCC.
Fuck you very much for fining me.
$5,000 bucks a fuck, So I’m really out of luck.
Thats more than Heidi Fleiss was charging me!
So fuck you very much the FCC.
For proving that free speech just isn’t free!
Clear Channels a dear... [More]”

American Mascot Contest

Published by marco on

I got an email recently with a rather interesting suggestion: change the emblem of the United States from an “eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance”. Why is it better?

“A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.”

While you’re probably nodding your head in agreement, and, perhaps, wonderment that the government... [More]

Dubya’s speaking style

Published by marco on

Look on the bright side. Each staggering step the US takes towards certain Armageddon is at least always accompanied by an opportunity to engage in some serious “Schadenfreude” when Bush gets trapped on the White House lawn by a pack of reporters. Or maybe he’s flushed out from cover by a serious enough scandal that he’s forced to make some form of official statement.

That’s when the whole flustered, fumbling, repetitive, seriously talking-pointed, single-minded (or no-minded?), redundant... [More]

Laundry Origami

Published by marco on

Leave it to the Japanese to come up with a super-efficient way of folding a T-Shirt and then putting the demonstration to video game music. This technique may revolutionize the way some of you do laundry.

Thanks to Marc for sending this along.

A new twist on negative campaign ads

Published by marco on

New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly (The Onion) does it again with another article that will probably end up coming true before November. Now here’s a spot I’d like to see:

“A controversial 30-second TV spot for Kerry that aired throughout the Midwest Monday blamed the country’s ills not on Bush’s policies, but on the “sheer stupidity” of America’s voters.”

The Bush team fights back with:

“‘Are you going to vote for a candidate whose campaign promises would cost America $1.9 trillion over the... [More]”

You might be a programmer if…

Published by marco on

  1. You immediately complain that this should be subscripted as zero.
  2. Most people say “Go To Hell,” but you tell people to redirect to /dev/null.
  3. By the time you’ve gotten here in the document, you’ve run Tidy or a similar app to check my X/HTML skills.
  4. The statement (0x2b||!0x2b) makes sense to you.
  5. You find 4 funny.
  6. You note with disgust that it always evaluates to true, since 0x2b != 0.
  7. Point 6 disgusts you, because under languages other than C++ (e.g. Java), it would throw an exception,... [More]

Scientific measurement of “Macho”

Published by marco on

Did Somebody Say Macho? by Zack 'Geist Editor' Parsons (Something Awful) takes on the daunting task of creating an objective scale determining any given person’s “Macho-ness”.

The macho-factor is a 2-dimensional matrix defined along the Swayze-Eastwood Axis and the Shatner-Kressley Axis (Kressley is the dude from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, who, apparently, is the cultural opposite of a guy who “was probably watching re-runs of “TJ Hooker” when his wife drowned in the pool”).

There is, of course, a helpful questionnaire to help you find... [More]

Isn’t almost good enough?

Published by marco on

Here’s Aaron McGruder’s helpful contribution to Bush’s re-election strategy. This is the Boondocks from March 22 − March 27.






Troubleshooting for drunks

Published by marco on

I know it’s too late for Saint Patrick’s Day, but here it is anyway. Some of you can probably use it any day of the week.

Feet cold and wet.
  • problem − Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  • solution − Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.
  • problem − Improper bladder control.
  • solution − Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  • problem − Glass empty.
  • solution − Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite... [More]

Truly Brilliant Dilbert

Published by marco on

Targeted marketing: Urban version of Word

Published by marco on

Problem with education

Published by marco on

Why is it that so many people in America believe in it, right or wrong?

They’re taught to from a very young age.

21 years Ago

Rocket Man State of the Union

Published by marco on

Installment 28 (MNFTIU) made me laugh, but in a sad way.

Installment 30 (MNFTIU) just made me laugh. Quoting that is waaaayyyy easier than poking holes in Bush’s space plans myself. I’m reproducing choice quotes below just to have them, but I’d browse to the link so you can see the little office dude in a space helmet delivering the lines.


Wait a minute … how are we gonna get to Mars?

“Check it out — we’re going to build a base on the moon! Then we’ll literally FLY TO MARS!!! In space!

“And we all have to... [More]”

Foiled again!

Published by marco on

The most amazing practical joke was perpetrated over New Year’s. Friends foil Olympia man’s home (The Olympian) shows pictures of an apartment completely, and I mean completely, covered in aluminum foil.

The pranksters covered doors, door framers, the toilet, everything … they even:

  • “unrolled the toilet paper in the bathroom, enveloped the bath tissue in aluminum foil and rolled it back up again”
  • “used foil to encircle Kirk’s spare change — each individual quarter he had left atop a living room bookshelf”
  • “overed... [More]”

Drinking guidelines for the holidays

Published by marco on

Drinking Responsibly During the Holidays (The Onion) is a list of rules for kids of all ages:

  • If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
  • Always drink from the bottle labeled “XXX.” The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
  • Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody’s bullshit.
  • Drinking more than seven nights a week is not... [More]

Campus Penises

Published by marco on

…Harvard Feminist Goes Off Half-Cocked… on Plastic is about repression on campus. A bunch of people on campus tore down a “nine foot tall snow-phallus on university grounds” (Harvard, if you must know). It was mostly women irate that it was “offensive because it was pornographic”; offended because “[a]s a feminist, pornography is degrading to women and creates a violent atmosphere”. Whatever that means. I’m not being flip. That is an honest evaluation of the intellectual content of that... [More]

Well struck by the Onion II

Published by marco on

From today’s Onion:

“Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever”
“ROCHESTER, MN − Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. “My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process,” the awesome Gruber said. “What’s more, the bacon’s positive effects are... [More]”